Me, Myself and I

In love we are bound, in love we will die

 

I can’t start my story from awakening or before, for my clouded mind has had a momentary lapse of reason.My memories came back to me as faded thoughts, a brief whim of what use to be.As I searched for myself, I started questioning my choice.Why did I choose the red pill?I asked, repeatedly, but still came to no conclusion, I can’t remember.Why would have anyone chosen this hell, this truth?As it got harder to contain my depression, I decided the best way for me to get over this, was to place myself with others.Maybe being around people will make me forget.I was recruited into the Teneo Vistri – EPN, to learn and become… something.I did my training and read my studies, but I felt more questions being brought up in my mind.So I read into everything and learned about the 3 organizations and the 2 splinter cells.More and more, it clouded my mind with questions.So I walked.Figuring it would keep my mind off of my own troubles.Expecting to actually draw away from it all, I found myself asking strangers my very questions.What I found is that all these people that I met repeated one thing over and over.“You are not alone.Others have also questioned the choice they had made”.I felt relieved, for the time being.It didn’t take long after for a person to ask why I believe in the ways of the EPN.I lost it, my mind overwhelmed, and I could no longer take it.I sat alone, thinking of what I had learned.Zion believes in The One, and prepares themselves to train and take care of The One.They release humans who want to know the truth.The EPN believes in Neo, and his return.They set off bombs inside the Matrix that reveal Matrix code to people inside the Matrix, in order to wake up as many people as possible.The Machines believe in the Matrix.They stop red pills from “awakening” humans, to keep the system running properly.The Cypherites believe in the cause of getting all Zionists to rejoin the Matrix and to stop giving red pills to people in the Matrix.They are fascists who force people into submission, persuading red pills to voluntarily reinsert themselves into the Matrix.The Merovingian believes in power.They could care less if the Matrix crashed.

After I considered all the beliefs together, I found myself hopelessly alone.I believed in none of them.I have learned that in the beginning, we humans brought this upon ourselves, we destroyed the planet, and we blackened our skies.In the Machines defense, only as protection against ourselves, made up a world to believe in, and used our bodies as a power source.The Matrix has been around for what seems like ages, and the struggle still inside the same.I value the story of Neo, if it weren’t for him, none of us would be here.Not only did he save us, he saved the Machines.He risked all of humanity…for love.I paused in my revelation, love, how could’ve I not seen this sooner.Love IS worth fighting for, love IS worth dying for. Neo proved this to be. Love to me seems the most intriguing to Machines, how can we make rational choices when love is designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. I was excited, I found my belief, but soon realized the humor in it all.How could I fight for love?Back to square one, but at least I gave myself something to believe in.My reasoning, my purposes and values soon flooded my mind.I thought of the things, that would in others eyes, deem worthy to fight for.I, myself, can’t stand the caves, the food or the stench of Old Zion.So why not fight to save the planet, together, man and machine.Leave the Matrix as a “wonderland” for humans and machines to interact.Leave behind the hate for Machines, humans, and exiles.No matter the obstacle, love will find a way.Wow, sounded good to me, but of course, what would others think.

Now I was relieved, I have my views, I have something to strive for. How to get there?Frustrated at the question, I moved on, but at least I was happier.So I started searching myself for the answers for why I couldn’t remember my past.Doing my best to stay sane at this time, I found myself in a predicament.I was abducted by Cypherites.I was beaten, tortured and sexually abused, to learn what it felt like to be a Cypherite.I feared everyday was my last, and at any moment, they could pull my plug.My family, Teneo Vestri, did everything possible to get me back.It took one moment for it all to come into perfect view.One night, I took a walk to clear my thoughts.ErythunI, one of my abductors, and 2 of my family members found me in a park.Erin gave a speech, Michael told me not to listen, and bainzy was whispering in my ear, all at the same time.I felt my head would explode if I stayed any longer so I fled.After all said in done, I realized what said to me that night, and it hit me hard.Erin and his speech open my eyes to what I must accomplish, and bainzy for the courage to do so.In the knowledge I gained, my cocoon burst open and I must spread my wings to find others who believe in love.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,

Don’t fall in love with someone you can live with,

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.
George Sand

 

In my desperation to leave and the helpful crew of the Die Maskierten Manner, I am free of Old Zion.The bleakness of that place depresses me, we weren’t made to live…underground.If there only was a way to save the surface.I barely hang by a thread of reality, and all I have to do is cut the string to end it all, a permanent solution to the problem.I’ve almost given up, seems like we’re getting nowhere with this war, or goals for peace.At the point I’m ready to pull my hair out, I realize what I have.Love.It keeps me going; I’ve got something to live for, to fight for.If I can willingly set aside my own views just to be with the one I love, yeah love is a powerful emotion.I know deep down that what I am doing is wrong, but I can’t shake this feeling, I don’t want too.I might have stumbled across an answer that could solve it all, but instead of pursuing it, I indulge in it.I think love is the answer, the hope and the future, if only I could make others see what I see.I strive to be a better person in loves eyes, believing one day we all can make a difference.I cry myself to sleep, the only weakness I show, wondering why no one else has had this thought.I know of two, who believed in love, Neo and Trinity.Trinity more so than Neo, she was there to fight for love, everything she did was out of love for Neo.It scares me that everyone just seems to “follow” along with the Organizations and their views, not deciding for themselves on how they want to fight this war.I can’t say much to this, for I find myself in this situation, but I do believe in love.So where I stand, in my new family, I follow but I follow love, not their views.I don’t feel alone, because I have him and his love to keep me strong.I don’t want to miss a thing, it’s all so new, and it’s all so real.I have been blessed with an emotion I searched out, and now that I have felt loves sweet embrace, I would give all of myself to keep this feeling alive.So for now I wait, wait for others to see.The power of love…

                                                                                                                       Stephen Packer



I've been stuck in song in my thoughts, songs of love are so heartwarming.  Wasn't it Agent Pace who said "In all truth, of all human mysteries, music and its emotional effects are among the most intriguing."  I found a song that I can't seem to quit humming, just the thought of the song makes me think of him and us and love.  Oh my god this song won't leave my head, my thoughts are so...wound up in a tight spiral.  Hanging by a moment...

                                                                                                                Thomas A. Kempis

 

I have been bothered by nightmares, which wake me at night.  I still believe deep down these sights are of my past.  Thinking it was true, I kept myself busy.   Between the relentless training I put myself through and the time I spent with Erin, I did not have a chance to even worry about the nightmares.  I even volunteered to help with the finding of Teneo Vestri's Commander, Michael.  Although they are EPN members, and I am supposed to be their enemy, I can not treat them as such.  Michael basically paid my ransom, and I owe him my life.  They trusted me, even Michael.  I didn't weasel my way in, I didn't need to lie to them or make false inquiries of myself.  They trusted me, that's all there is too it.  I noticed a change in Dtb though as we started looking for Michael.  He got happier to see me, day in and day out, almost as if he was looking forward to seeing me.  It made me feel welcomed and comfortable.  Though I did start to wonder why the sudden change in his attitude towards me, but I knew the answer to that, D was falling in love with me.  I did not tell him I knew, I did not act upon it.  I treated him no different day to day.  I got to the task at hand.  When we had found Michael, I stayed with him, he was frightened, and I gave him some comfort.   Still concerned with being abducted, I saw a side of Michael, I've never seen.  My time spent with Teneo Vestri, I looked up to Michael, he is a great leader.  But all the insubordination from the faction, seems to me, made him a stubborn, and hard headed man.  I know deep down one day, I will be able to talk with the other side of him; I would like to know the real Michael.  After all was done, I offered my services again, this time with intentions.  I love Teneo Vestri, not the same way I love Erin, but as parents love their children, it's still love, no matter what.  I felt I needed a part of it to take along with me on my journeys.  Be it to do something to them to remember my name, or take something from them, I needed something, anything.  I used the love D (Dtb) felt for me, and got the co-ordinates of the ship.  When the day came for me to go, I was paranoid.  What if they catch me in the act?  I had to be calm and collective like I usually am, and not think of the task.  I arrived and in no time, seemed to be the way it's always been, they trusted me.  At first I was going to place an explosive device aboard the ship, which was my plan, what better way to be remembered.  The ship itself was being repaired and everyone on the crew was busy giving a hand to fix it.  I had the opportunity, and took it.  When I pulled out the device, I thought to myself that it can't be this way, I'm not out to kill anyone.  I still had a part of me that belonged with them, and I just couldn't take it upon myself to be that heartless.  I sat for a moment, thinking of other ways, other means to get my point across.  I couldn't think of anything right away, I guess I was caught in the sorrow of what could've been.  I looked around the ship, The End of all Machines, what a name, what a statement.  Elegant ship none the less.  I stood up, and in a revelation, realized what I must do.  I sat back down, thought oh god I can't pilot yet, I didn't finish my training.  Remembered enough though to get it up and flying.  I started flipping switches, and knobs and dials, didn't know exactly what I was doing, but it worked.  Sure enough, she rattled, she hummed and I could hear the crew falling off, hitting the hull with whatever tool they were using.  I turned the ship, just to make sure all fell off, I hoped for no injuries, but its better then death.  Knowing that in the long run, my life was in danger, no one will ever trust me again, but still I had to have it.  I smiled an unsure smile at Michael, to say thank you but I'm sorry it had to be you. Waved to them all, and left.  I hate myself for what I did, it's against what I call my views, but I needed closure for myself.  They'll come after me, they'll come for the ship, but I had to have something.  So I hid it, where no one knows, but me.  I was worried about going back into the system at first.  I couldn't stop thinking of who's going to get me, who's after me and who's going to kill me.  It faded as soon as I realized that I have my own ship.  What excitement I felt, how ecstatic I was.  I planned on staying on the Terra Mascarada Nova with Erin, until I am needed as a pilot.  So in other words, we own 2 ships, and what great power that will show others.  Erin was proud of me, not only what I did, but that I did it on my own.  I felt even closer to him, not that I needed to, but everything seemed to...come together.  There is so much to explore in the name of love, and I felt like I had found new territory.  I enjoy this feeling of love, there is no greater.

The first encounter with Teneo Vestri came to me as a surprise.  D was in, and he contacted me.  At first I thought he'd yell and scream at me, the Teneo Vestri way.  I even thought he'd hit me, just for the anger he felt.  Instead, D was...calm.  Love had its grasp of him, I knew it, I have been there.  He was confused, being pulled in different directions.  Love or Teneo Vestri, I had the same choice.  D talked as if he were lost, didn't exactly know where he was going yet.  I assured him that no matter his decision, we can stay friends, and I won't take that away from him.  He can never trust me again, but his friendship I will respect.  He was acting as if he was being watched, and then came out and said it to me.  Then it came apparent what was truly going on, Michael was on his way.  Let me explain something, the Teneo Vestri way.  When something happens, anger sets in their minds, instead of stepping back for a moment and surveying the situation, jump to conclusions and start to scream and yell.  Nothing is ever talked out calmly, it's always punish, hurt, and kill.  Now this gets me to Michael.  He didn't sit; he stood, got into D's face, and then shot him.  Got into my face then walked away.  I helped D down to the hard line, so he could get back as ordered.  Michael was sitting on the bench, asked me if I was looking for trouble, my reply didn't amuse him much, but it wasn't meant to.  Trouble always finds me for some odd reason.  He ordered D once again back to their ship, and said to me he wanted his ship back.  Well the only problem I saw is I didn't have his ship, I had my ship.  He told me it would be in my best interest to leave.  First of all, Kedemoth was MY home, when they weren't around, I found solitude there, so it's home.  Second, threats don't scare me anymore, I was kidnapped, and do you really think there's anything worse, try it.  So I told him to leave.  As I figured, as much as I hate to admit it, the Teneo Vestri way came about, and I was shot where I stood.  "Go back and tell Erin what I did." Is all he said to me as he jacked-out.  What is Erin going to do?  Nothing that's what, we don't resort to anger, sorry to disappoint you.  Michael never gave me a chance to talk; he never gave me a chance to explain my actions.  What he got was a message though, to what might happen to my ship, he wants back so badly.  To make it even better, if anything happens to me, no matter what or by whom, that ship he so badly wants back...goes boom.  So Michael best protect me now, if he ever wants to see MY ship again.  Of course I was distraught by Michaels actions, but who could blame him I did just steal a ship, but there is more subtle ways to do so.  Erin made it all better of course, love wipes away any feelings of anger, I love being in love.  So much hate, so much death.  While Michael was yelling, he did manage to slip and say that Dtb was in love with me, which confirms my thoughts.  Even after what I did, he's still in love with me.  Proves my other point, how can we make rational choices when love is designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason.  Anyhow, I have a ship to repair and to learn about, I am going to pilot that ship, one of these days.  In love we trust and trust in love, for there is nothing more we have...

It has been a while since I took pen in hand, and wrote my thoughts down.  I have finished up all my training, doesn't take long once you set your mind to nothing else.  I've gone through many emotional tug-a-wars, but still kept my mind set on one goal.  I finally achieved that goal but yet I lost so much more.  I try and help Erin as much as I possibly can, but I feel as if he has drawn himself away.  It's as if his mind is else where, and I'm becoming a memory.  I can't remember my past, I can't tell if I have ever been in love, but it's not supposed to feel like this.  I've kept it bottled in for quite sometime, and no longer could I take the pressure, I was getting ready to explode.  He hasn't been around as much as he was before, so it was hard to talk with him one on one.  Instead of making a big deal out of something I may just be worried about, I wrote to him.  I told him I felt us drifting apart, and how it basically was making me feel...like a burden.  I also said I fell in love with him, not a faction, not a family, and not for a purpose.  I felt I had to make it perfectly clear on that last fact, so many have thought of me as a spy.  There was more that I wanted to say to him, it would have been easier face to face, but the system's mail service was erasing the email as soon as I was almost finished writing it.  No matter, I said what I felt.  Once again, I feared the worst on the outcome, and tried not to think about it.  We kept missing one another, when I was on the ship, he was jacked in...I'd jack in and he had just left for the ship to get some rest.  I thought at first he was just avoiding me, of course me thinking the worst.  Finally, we had our face to face.  I didn't care what had been said, it was just so good to see him, and before anything could be said, I kissed him.  He took my hands in his, and said "Don't ever think that my love for you will end," knelt down and asked me to marry him.  I was surprised, I did not expect for this as reply to what I had wrote.  I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything at first, I was shocked.  I did say yes.  For one moment the fairytale came true, I would live happily ever after, but not all fairytales are made to end in happiness, not for me it would seem.  I have been depressed and in anguish for what I have learned lately about a rumor.  I have been in tears, and my world's coming crashing down upon me, but none the less I blame myself...for it was I who chose my path.  I'm lucky I've been able to keep myself together this long to be able to write it down, but unfortunately this is about all I can take for now.  I feel myself disappearing where I feel safe...my mind.

Once again I have found it hard to write my thoughts, so much is going on, and my mind has been caught up by all the stupid **bullcrud**.  I have lost my own way, strayed from what I believe in and what I search for.  Why search out something for once you find it, it's hard to handle, you worry if it will fail, and the hurt and pain it causes.  I have gone through my first heartbreak that I know of.  Erin and I are no more, and the pain it caused me, I can not take ever again.  Why does it hurt so much?  Why is it worth the pain in the end?  I fear these questions are my own downfall, for I will no longer search out what I have come to find.  The pain is not worth it.  Yet I feel so alone inside, and the fear of being just that scares me.  Others have sat and talked with me about what has happened, and have told me I can't give up on love; it's what they know best about me.  I have nothing without love; a bleak, dull, lonely existence is all what's in store for me and a never ending war within the system.  If and when I choose to search it out once again, I'll be more cautious with my heart.  Well that wasn't long, no matter my argument against what my fears of love were, everyone had a better argument for why I should continue my search.  What now?  My search continues for the love I seek, that of Trinity and Neo's.  I found dating very interesting in a place such as this, trying to figure out what couples can do together is very limited.  Dinning, dancing, walks through the park, sitting and talking, or parties.  It's been a fun trip, but the wear on my heart can't take much of this.  I almost gave into the love I still felt for Erin, thanks to a nice conversation with Freelancer.  Hold onto what you got, because when it's gone there's nothing more.  Reminded me of a song, "Don't know what ya got till it's gone."  I wasn't sure of myself though, and didn't want Erin to have to change for me...he's better off without the headache.  None should have to change in the eyes of love, I have once for hope.  Sephiroth is an excellent dancer and a gentleman, I had fun with him.  Michael took me to coffee, and has always been a gentleman; I still respect my old Commander.  Then came along 7h0r, or as we like to call him Thor.  His words are poetic; he could've swept me off my feet just with that.  Almost did, but I was waiting for one person, I wanted to see what he was going to do.  Would he sit back and let others have a chance of me falling in love with them, or would he step up to the plate and take his chance.  As usual, he stood in the background.  No matter my hints, no matter what I said or did, he stood back and let others take a chance.  In all the confusion taking place, a woman stepped from the shadows saying she was my sister.  I don't remember my past, let alone a sister.  So, to find out if her story was legitimate, I took her under my wing...since she says she came here for me.  Titania, lovely name, time will only tell what you're here for.  Being new to the system, she asked me to show her around and mentioned a party coming up, The Vixens Sexy Party 2.  I then used that to hint to him that I wanted him to take me; he did at first, and then stepped aside.  Thor would be the one to take me.  Titania felt kind of left out and said something to Thor, Thor decided to take her and once again he was taking me.  I wanted to tell him that night how he was making me feel always stepping out of the way.  I held my composer, I waited and in an odd way it happened.  All along, after introducing Titania and Thor, Titania was falling in love with Thor.  We were in the middle of training; she stopped and said to me, "Jez, I have something to tell you, I'm in love with Thor."  I was shocked at first, but happy for her; I then told her who I was in love with.  After all we've been through together, all that's been said and done, I have fallen in love with Dtb.  I have always had feelings for him, but I never thought it would go beyond that.  Then again, love is a mysterious wonder...A chapter ends and another begins...

Darkness

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.

The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars

Did wander darkling in the eternal space,

Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth

Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;

Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,

And men forgot their passions in the dread

Of this desolation; and all hearts

Were chill'd into a selfish prayer for light:

And they did live by watchfires - and the thrones,

The palaces of crowned kings, the huts,

The habitations of all things which dwell,

Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,

And men were gathered round their blazing homes

To look once more into each other's face;

Happy were those who dwelt within the eye

Of the volcanos, and their mountain-torch:

A fearful hope was all the world contain'd;

Forest were set on fire but hour by hour

They fell and faded and the crackling trunks

Extinguish'd with a crash and all was black.

The brows of men by the despairing light

Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits

The flashes fell upon them; some lay down

And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest

Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;

And others hurried to and fro, and fed

Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up

With mad disquietude on the dull sky,

The pall of a past world; and then again

With curses cast them down upon the dust,

And gnash'd their teeth and howl'd: the wild birds shriek'd,

And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,

And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes

Came tame and tremolous; and vipers crawl'd

And twined themselves among the multitude,

Hissing, but stingless, they were slain for food:

And War, which for a moment was no more,

Did glut himself again; a meal was bought

With blood, and each sate sullenly apart

Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;

All earth was but one thought and that was death,

Immediate and inglorious; and the pang

Of famine fed upon all entrails men

Died, and their bones were tombless as their flesh;

The meagre by the meagre were devoured,

Even dogs assail'd their masters, all save one,

And he was faithful to a corpse, and kept

The birds and beasts and famish'd men at bay,

Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead

Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,

But with a piteous and perpetual moan

And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand

Which answered not with a caress, he died.

The crowd was famish'd by degrees; but two

Of an enormous city did survive, And they were enemies;

They met beside

The dying embers of an altar-place

Where had been heap'd a mass of holy things

For an unholy usage; they raked up,

And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands

The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath

Blew for a little life, and made a flame

Wich was a mockery; then they lifted up

Their eyes as it grew lighter, and

Each other's aspects. saw, and shriek'd, and died, beheld

Even of their mutual hideousness they died,

Unknowing who he was upon whose brow

Famine had written Fiend. The world was void,

The populous and the powerful was a lump,

Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless,

A lump of death, a chaos of hard clay.

The rivers, lakes, and ocean stood still,

And nothing stirred within their silent depths;

Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea,

And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they dropp'd

They slept on the abyss without a surge

The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,

The moon their mistress had expired before;

The winds were withered in the stagnant air,

And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need

Of aid from them. She was the universe.

-Lord Byron-