Storytime

[INTRODUCTION]


Ahh.... nothing like a good sip of vodka. I tell ya, the Machines may make all the food taste the same, but the drinks.. oh, my, gawd. I mean, look at the color of this thing! It's actually changing colors! Well, then again, I did code it to do that. I like to watch my drink when I'm not drinking it. It keeps me occupied so I don't stumble around hitting on the chicks -- hey, hush hush, there's one now.

Hey. lady, I bet you're wondering, if his nose is that big, eh? Eh?! Eh.

What? Oh! So, yeah... the Matrix, yeah? You want to know more about it? Hey, you've found the guy to come to. I know it like the back of my hand... actually, I haven't taken off my gloves for nearly a year, so I don't really know the back of my hand all that well anymore, but you get the idea. See, the Matrix is--

Wow, momma! Hey! Hey! Are those real? Are those real? You heard me!

Yeah, they're not real. Oh, hey, that's like the point of this, right? Nothing is real. It's all digital! No, no, the Matrix! Yeah... see this table? It's digital. Like, it's part of a computer. We're all inside this big computer, in the future, and stuff. Whoa, whoa, whoa, sit down! I'm not done talking to you!

Okay, okay. So you want to know what the Matrix is. How did you first learn about the Matrix? Hm? You a little eavesdropper? Hacker who's seen something he shouldn't have? Or have you always known?

Hell, I never knew. I'm one of those guys who kinda stumbled into this whole Redpill business. Pfft... I never even really took the pill. Eh, I bet it puts you in a bad trip anyway. So, yeah, you take the red pill, and you wake up in this big, gooey, pod thingy. Like, uh... oh, you ever see that Keanu Reeves movie? The one where he woke up and everything was all upside down? Yeah... no, I think that creepy old guy was in it, too... uh... Jack something. Anyway, Something's Gotta Give, that was the movie. Yeah, it's kind of like that, except instead of really old naked ladies, there's big shiny mechanical octopuses and there's no sky. It's like, way in the future, too, so everything is really, really cold. Also, there's giant flying ships!

Okay, you remember that terrorist guy that died back in Afghanistan or wherever? Morpheus, yeah, that one. Yeah, see, he was really the leader of the Redpills until he broke the Matrix. Not to uh, say, that it's uh broken now. Yeah, cuz, we're living in it now. Yeah, the world is the Matrix. I mean uh, it's like... uh... okay, okay. The Matrix is a computer generated world made by a bunch of Machines that have enslaved humanity in the future, and it's based on the year 1999, so, yeah, if you want to uh break out and stuff... cuz it's a prison for your mind, man, your mind. It's all in your head. I mean, the world. The world's in your head in the world, so you gotta like... free your mind... so that your head is out of the world, but you're not out of your mind.

And then you get to kill the Men in Black, and angels, and there's werewolves, and there's vampires, aliens, and I think there's ghost things, and uh... uh...


...hey, where are you going? Hey. Hey! Hey!

FUNNY! MORE MORE!!!

[CHAPTER ONE: INFILTRATION]
[*Note: Never attempt to translate foreign language. I myself use an online translator, so I'm probably using it fairly poorly. You have been warned.]

So, back for more, eh? I don't blame you. I know, you find my voice sexy. Don't say anything, I'm talking. Hey. Hey, shut up! Jeez. Chatterbox. Don't you walk away! Sit back down! Okay. Let's see... my exploits? I have had many, my friend. Countless. What? I can count, shut up! Like, for example, the other day my boss called me for an infiltration mission. See, he's a tactical genius like that, but he needs someone to do the dirty work, and that's me. I don't back down from stuff like that, because if I did, nothing would get done.

Let's see... it was an early Sunday morning, and I was half-way out the door when my phone rang.

The phone rang. Alec muttered and rolled over in his bed. It rang again. Groaning, he took a pillow and placed it over his head. The answering machine answered.

"Эй, это - Алек. Я или сплю или избегаю Наводнения. Наводнение, если это - Вы, затем закрытый и оставляет меня в покое. Хорошо, оставьте сообщение в --" The machine beeped.

Flood holds a great deal of respect for me. Sometimes we both talk about the ways of the city all day long.

Flood's dark and brooding voice squawked loudly. "Pick up the phone, you ungrateful peon!" Alec flinched and rolled over, grabbing at the old receiver.

"I'm sleeping, Flood."

"Well, stop sleeping. I don't pay you to sleep. I have a mission for you."

"Maybe later."

"No, now! If I had anyone - and I mean anyone - available, I wouldn't even bother with you. As it stands, they're all busy doing important things. I've already downloaded the specs to your Operator, but I wanted to call you directly so that I could attempt to break a record of hurling the most insults at you, you slow-witted sloth-brained bag of flesh and incompetence."

"You're doing wonderfully."

"Thank you. Now get up. You're going to infiltrate a Machine outpost and steal some information that we need."

He told me that he had an extra special mission for me, and that nobody else could do it. He was anxious to get it done, and I was eager to do it.

Alec acknowledged the mission and hung up. He rolled back into his bed and immediately fell asleep.

After my faithful servant helped me gather my tools necessary for the mission, I headed out and hit the road. I had to travel for hours, for miles, until the great fortress loomed ahead of me.

Fifteen minutes later, a large, soft, body hit him in the face. He jumped and fell out of bed, clutching at the large ... pillow.

"You are on a mission. Go do it." It was Cristofor, his Lupine room-mate. Alec angrily grabbed another pillow and threw it. Cris disappeared into a shadow, and the pillow whizzed through the air and landed harmlessly on the couch.

Fully awake, Alec grumbled and pulled on a jacket. "You know," he barked, "if it weren't for me, you'd still be in that prison cell."

A bodiless voice answered, "I hold no debts. Farewell, and this time, return with a decent meal."

Grabbing his cellphone and a pistol without even checking it for a clip, Alec stormed out of his apartment. Once he had walked out onto the streets, he dialed a number.

 A soft, Hispanic woman's voice spoke clearly into Alec's ear. "Operator."

"'lo, Fidget."

"Hey, Alec. The outpost is five blocks down from the subway, across the street from the old McDonald's. There's a disguise in the dump bin in the alley just before your mission. Fourth floor, don't make a ruckus."

Alec grunted and hung up. He turned and walked briskly down the sidewalk, bumping into several pedestrians and shouting at them all.

Ten minutes later, he turned a corner and saw the old fast-food restaurant. Looking around, he spied the alley Fidget had indicated and looked into the container where his disguise was.

One of my tools, a perfect disguise, was so realistic that some people actually thought I was a cop! Obviously, the foolish officers on patrol had no way of knowing. I was on such of a high of my grand success, that I decided to leave a mark that they'll never forget there.

It was a raggy, stained, torn police officer's suit. Alec swore in Russian and slipped into it. It smelled of urine. The moment he stepped back onto the street, a civilian near him laughed and shouted, "Hey, punk, Halloween was last month! Get a job!"

The Machine Outpost didn't have an elevator, so Alec climbed four flights of stairs. Breathing heavily, sweating from the quick jog up the stairs to meet his deadline, and wearing what could only be described as something a hobo would reject, Alec came up to the door and knocked. It opened, and a short, stout police officer stood in the doorway.

"Can I be a helpin' ya," he asked, looking up at Alec.

He swallowed, and replied, "Uh, yeah, I'm uh... it's a shift change."

The officer stared incredulously at him, his hand on his gun holster. "The shift was a'changed twenty minute past. Who are ya?"

Alec made up his mind, then, and pulled his pistol out of his jacket pocket, and pointed it at the officer. He fired.

Click. Empty The officer flinched, then, at the knowledge that he was safe, grabbed Alec's wrist and threw him into the outpost. Alec flew across the room and into the wall, leaving a sizable impression as the spackle cracked around him. He fell out of the wall and onto the floor with a grunt. Noting the approaching officer out of the corner of his eye, he quickly pulled himself up and ran towards a computer he had viewed as he had been tossed by. It lay on the kitchen table, and wasn't secured, so he grabbed it and turned to run. The officer had taken his gun out of the holster and was now pointing it at Alec.

"Freeze!" Alec ducked as the officer fired, and took the initiative by jump-kicking the gun out of the surprised civilian's hand. He hurried out of the room and down the stairs. He tripped on the third floor, and fell, clutching the computer, the rest of the way down.

Yes, a mission well done. Flood was ecstatic, and emphatically offered me double my usual pay.

Back at the apartment, Alec collapsed onto the bed, tossing the computer over onto the couch, into the arms of a surprised and re-emerging-from-the-shadows Cristofor. He called Flood.

"Flood, I have your stupid data."

"Took you long enough."

"What do you want with it?"

"Keep it, I'll send someone capable to pick it up. I trust the terminal was unencrypted, otherwise I dare not expect your call for another few hours."

"Uhh..." Alec looked over at the computer. "Sure. It was, uh, as easy as if I had just grabbed the whole computer and ran."

Flood's voice snorted over the phone. "You're a fool, Zippy the Squirrel, but without you, my day would be positively dull. Of course, I will be docking you on taking so long. Goodbye." Click. The phone went dead, and Alec tossed it onto the floor.

Another day, another hundred thousand $info. Considering it was still early, I, satisfied with the knowledge that I had once again done an invaluable service to the Merovingian, decided to take the rest of the day off and see the sights and meet with the people. After all, I am nothing short of a gentleman.

Alec flopped onto his bed and slept the rest of the day.

Haha, classic stuff.  Keep it up Zippy.

[CHAPTER TWO: ESCORT]

It was a bright and sunny day, and, considering how invaluable I was to Flood, I decided to give him a call so he wouldn't have to fret about how he would get things done without me. Because I'm a helpful guy like that... whoa, did you see that one? I tell ya, implants are reaching new heights these days.

The rain poured down as Alec furiously dialed Flood's number into his cell phone.

"What..." an affected voice answered.

"Flood. I need a mission."

"Oh, it's you. I have nothing for you."

"Nothing at all?"

"Nothing you can succeed at."

"Come on, man, I managed to get you that data, didn't I?"

"You brought our technicians the entire computer!"

"Bonus!"

"Ugh. Fine, but only if it means you stop talking to me. We have a new program that just came in. Thing is, he managed his way into the Matrix without the help of the Trainman, so it's up to you to find out how he did it so we could find a way to emulate it. Meet him at the location I'm forwarding to your Operator, and escort him to our waiting technicians."

"That sounds good," Alec affirmed.

Flood immediately offered me a job of the utmost importance. A program that was inherently important to the future of the Merovingian.

"Of course, it doesn't really matter if you succeed or not, but at least it'll give you something to do. And it'll keep you out of my hair."

With such an important matter to attend to, I set off immediately to perform my duty.

Alec grunted and hung up, then called Fidget for the details.



Four minutes later, he clambered into the apartment through the fire escape window. A single woman was sitting in the middle of the room - a nude woman. Alec paused. "Uh... are you..." he fished through his pockets for the little pad of paper he had written the Exile's name down on. "Okay, are you... Silvershire?"

The program took the form of a beautiful woman. I could tell she wanted me from the get-go, but I am a professional and a gentleman, and I went straight to work. I had a deadline, you know.

Alec blinked. "*CENSORED*, you're hot."

"And you are a smelly, fly-ridden, pervert." The woman spoke with a soft European accent that Alec could not place. She stood up, allowing him a full view of her body, and approached him slowly. "Let's get on with it, then."

Alec stared for a moment, then shook his head and stammered, "But, but you can't go out like that. People will, uh, stare."

The Exile grunted, flexing muscles that should not have been flexed for a nude woman. "Just go. I can take care of myself." Alec thought for a moment, then shrugged and backed out of the window and hopped down into the alley. He looked up, and his eyes widened as he saw the woman's rear flying towards him. Luckily, he managed to throw out his arms and catch her. Together, they headed off down the network of alleys.

Out of nowhere, these big guys jump us. There must have been thirty of them. They were all wielding these giant machine guns, and half of them had cigars in their mouths bigger than my nose. But I played it cool, and I took them all down. Then, just to show off, I awed them with my power by leaping away, nimbly carrying the fair Exile all the way to the rendezvous, with nary a scratch on her.

They turned a corner, and the first instinct Alec had was to throw out his arm and knock the Exile down to the ground, vaguely aware of which specific area of her body he had hit, as he fell backwards. Pistol fire erupted in the alley, and bullets ripped the air above them noisily. He hit the ground with a loud thump and removed his sub-machine gun, firing randomly towards the two Agents that he had glimpsed coming around the corner. "Run for it," he shouted at the woman, who acknowledge and made off in the other direction. He picked himself up while still firing, then turned and followed her.

As he closed on her, zig-zagging to avoid the Agents' gunfire, she stopped and dropped to the ground, and Alec saw a third Agent appear behind her fallen form. He pulled his arm against air resistance and bore down on the Agent, firing wildly. The Agent dodged the entire clip. Cursing, Alec knelt by the woman's limp body and grabbed her around the waist.

"Love to stay and chat, guys, but..... um.... okay, I don't have a line," he muttered, as he leaped as high into the air as he could. Soon, the musky environment of the alleyway was replaced by the sulking environment of ropes and drying cloths. He lighted on the roof to his left, then, bracing and tightening his hold on the woman, leaped again. This time, he cleared at least a block. When he landed, he fished his cell phone out of his pocket with his free hand as he dropped his gun.

"Fidget, I got side-tracked. Where's the rendezvous?"

"Is she even alive?"

"Let go of me, you dirty tramp," the woman suddenly screeched. Alec shifted his weight and muttered an affirmative to Fidget.

"Let's see, you are... oh, hey, it's one door over, actually. Second floor, room 2B."

The woman was so grateful, she of course granted me a private reward, and, being the gentleman I am, I simply could not refuse. We parted with smiles, and Flood once again doubled my pay. All in all, an impossibly easy mission, yet another crucial staple that keeps my organization from falling apart.

"What the hell happened to her," the tech roared. Alec flinched. The woman had been hit, and was now bleeding out of... well, a stray bullet had nicked her.. chest. Alec set her down gently on her feet, and she instantly straightened and slapped him across the face.

"Flood will hear about this, you, you..." she stammered, and then foamed through a tight string of foreign words, most of which Alec assumed were insults. "You will be lucky if he does not fire you!" She stormed into the laboratory, clutching her bullet wound, as a pair of female technicians rushed to her aid. Alec grinned nervously at the tech that had opened the door.

"So... nasty weather we're having?" The tech slammed the door in his face.

Aw man this one had me laughing! Don't stop writing!

[CHAPTER THREE: RESCUE]

An urgent call came from Flood one day. It seems a precious Exile, his head filled with secrets, had been kidnapped by the evil forces that mean to destroy this world. Understanding the risk, I immediately set out to rescue this poor program and deal a righteous blow to its wrong doers.

"Hello?"

"Zippy the Squirrel, I have a mission for you."

"Neato."

"It appears that one of the Merovingian's favorite... courting calls... has been stolen by some Neo fan boys. Now, I cannot give this mission to any of my other, capable operatives..."

I was the most qualified operative Flood could get. In fact, like most missions, he called me first, knowing how easily I could get it done compared to all the other employees.

"...because none of them would take it. You're the absolutely last person on my call list, and not just because I place them in alphabetical order. But, I know that you could not reject this mission, because if you did, I wouldn't give you another mission for the rest of the month. And then how would you pay for dog food?"

"Alright, that's enough.  Gimme the specs."

"Your Operator should have them by now. Now, Zippy, make sure you return this one in mint condition. The Merovingian will be very displeased if she is... damaged."

I had no time to lose. I got the details from my Operator and headed off. She was held by over a dozen huge bouncer-type guys that uh... that uh... oh... hey... you. I was just, uh... sharing my story with these people... you know... about my... uh... adventures... oh, okay, ha ha ha, see ya later. ... ... ... ... Hm? Oh, that was just one of my devoted followers. Yeah, seems I can't get a moment's rest without them checking up on me. Well, anyway... where was I? Oh, yeah, I barged in there, guns blazing. Took out half of them within three seconds, and the rest ran for their lives.

Alec knelt down on the fire escape. He was just outside the window where Fidget informed him the woman was being held. Inside, a pair of men wearing dark robes paced back and forth. Probably patrolmen. Alec breathed deep, and pulled a pair of sub-machine guns from his jacket. Another deep breath, and he kicked at the window.

His foot struck through the window and stopped. Glass fell into the room, but, apart from the hole Alec had just made, the window remained undamaged. He hopped up and down furiously as the patrol ran towards him, grabbing at their own weapons. Alec aimed his SMGs at the window and clenched his eyes tight as he unloaded a hailstorm of bullets into the glass. The bullets penetrated and shattered the window, and continued to pass through, catching the two guards in mid-stride. As they fell to the ground, Alec opened his eyes.

He was still standing at a ridiculous position, raised leg still held out through the window. Chuckling, he lowered his foot and stepped into the building.

"Hey! You can't be here," a voice said. Alec spun.

Then, just as I was about to rescue the damsel in distress, the great, hulking, dragon of a man that led the evil corporation burst into the room. Even with my astounding powers, I could see where I should cut my losses. I left before the fool could even look in my direction. Well, you can't win them all, can ya? But sometimes ya just gotta know when you win and when you lose.

A teenager jumped from his place at a kitchen table. Alec raised his eyebrow instinctively as he raised his gun and aimed it at the youngster. The kid froze for a half-second, then, to Alec's surprise, leaped to Alec's right, behind the wall separating the kitchen from the larger living room. Alec fired too late, and a trail of bullet holes decorated the wall behind the now vacant space the teenager had occupied. From his right, he could see the kid darting around the wall and towards him, and he swung his SMGs around to bear on him. Before he could fire again, the kid's sweeping boot knocked the guns out of his hands.

Alec stared as his favorite weapons flew across the room. Snarling, he turned back to throw a punch at the small fry that had bruised his knuckles, not expecting the kid to already be mid-way through his own punch until it connected with his nose. As blood spurted over his face, he flew backwards, out the fire escape window, and onto the fire escape. He clambered to his feet, noted quickly that the teenager had dashed for the SMGs he had left behind, and made up his mind to abort the mission then and there. He jumped out into the alley and raced onto the street.

"What?" Flood's voice grated on Alec's ears.

"Uh, yeah, Flood, turns out security is a little tighter than I thought. Just how badly does the boss need this lady?"

"Oh, forget it," Flood sighed. "If I had known you wouldn't be able to take on just a few guards, I would have skipped you altogether. In fact, I think I'll add this little note here on your record.. 'can'...'not'....'fight.' There. Now you will no longer receive missions that have such a large chance of kicking your *CENSORED*."

"No, Flood, it's not that, it's -"

"What? What could possibly be your pathetic excuse?"

"The... well... the uh, the guards there somehow knew I was going to be there. Well, not really, I caught them by... but I... well, you see..."

"I don't have time to listen to your ramblings. Are you going to deliver the girl or not?"

"Well, not, not.. well, not as soon.... no. But the security is too-"

Click.

heh you got to start paying more attention in MA class!

Hee! This is fun stuff! Keep it coming!

[CHAPTER FOUR: RETRIEVAL]

One day, as I was enjoying spending time with my friends, Flood contacted me with an urgent call. Someone had stolen a priceless heirloom from the Merovingian, and I was the only one that could get it back! I set off immediately.

"What?! Five hundred? You said it was three!"

"Listen, sugah, you want this o' not?"

"Hell, no! Get out! Get out!"

As Alec pushed the protesting woman out of his apartment, his cell phone began to ring. Irate, he snapped it open and bellowed into it.

"What?"

"Excuse me?" It was Flood. Alec forced himself to calm and spoke slower, massaging his temple.

"Hello, sir. How can I help you?"

"By making yourself more useful. Or dead. Seeing as how neither is probable, I am going to give you this mission, and you are going to be grateful for it, oui?"

Alec held the phone away from him briefly and let out a groan. He brought it back to his face and muttered, "Of course sir. I'm thrilled."

"Good. Some stupid little Exile has made off with one of the Merovingian's decorative shields. Apparently he took it for sentimental value, something about Neo and some old Lupines we used to have. You are going to get it back and deliver it to a handyman we keep in case things like this get dinged up."

"If he's taken it for sentimental value, why would he have dinged it?"

"Oh, I don't expect him to have damaged it. I expect you to. It goes without saying that if I had anyone else I'd give them this assignment."

"You confidence in me is doing wonders for my morality," Alec said dryly.

"Your Operator has the details, now, go."

A wrathful Exile awaited me, behind hundreds of terrifying guards. Of course, knowing my failure previously, I was eager to prove that I had not lost any of my great power, and took them all out, and made it home without a scratch on me.

Fidget guided Alec to a small shack in the International District. From across the street, Alec peered into the shack's windows using a pair of goggles he had pilfered from the General's Elites. A short, skinny, pale man with grey hair and thick glasses was standing at a table, buffing a large decorative shield. He wore a filthy lab coat with grey scrub pants, but no shirt.

Alec spoke into his headset, "Is that the guy? Doesn't look like much."

"That's him, alright. Got past all that Merv security and made off with that huge shield. Must be a clever guy."

"Huh. We'll see about that." Alec dropped his goggles and zipped across the road, removing a pistol from his coat pocket as he ran. As he approached the shack window, he fired four times into it, thinking, no screw-ups this time. He jumped head-first into the window and burst through the glass. He rolled forwards as he fell onto the floor, until he was upright on his knee. He twisted and pointed his gun at the elderly Exile, who had since dropped his rag in astonishment.

"Freeze, scumbag," he commanded. The Exile did exactly the opposite. Alec looked on in amazement as he jumped into the air, and flipped mid-air, until his feet connected with the shack's ceiling. Alec stood up. Mistake. The Exile lashed out with his fist, catching Alec on the nose. He fell backwards and hit the wall with a grunt.

"Oh, I'm mad, now," he muttered, as he lifted his gun and fired at the Exile. The Exile performed a short cartwheel along the ceiling to dodge the bullets. Alec fired again, until his gun ran out of ammo. Frustrated, he threw the gun at the Exile, who caught it and threw it back.

BONK. The pistol hit him on the nose. Alec clutched his precious sniffer as blood began to drip from it. The old Exile laughed from the ceiling.

"Yer gun hafta do better den dat, sonny boy," he called as he danced across the ceiling.

"Oh, I have a trick or two up my sleeve," Alec shouted. He lifted one of his arms to point his palm towards the man. A small cloud of flies erupted from his sleeve and hit the elder in the eyes, buzzing furiously. Shouting in astonishment, the old man suddenly fell from the ceiling...

...straight onto the table. The legs crunched under the force, and he and the shield fell to the floor with a crash and a clatter. Forgetting his bloody nose, Alec ran over to inspect the shield.

As he thought, it was dent nearly convex from the old man's fall. Alec cursed in Russian, picked up his ruined prize, and fled before the Exile could recover.

I proudly bore the heirloom back to the Merovingian, and he awarded me with riches beyond your imagination!

"That'll be two hundred, thirty five dollars and sixty-eight cents," the cashier said.

Alec groaned as he looked down at the plastic replica. "Do you take Hel Club credit?"

Hilarious. Keep it up zippy xD

[CHAPTER FIVE: COURIER]

Following the overwhelming success of my last mission, Flood begged to be able to congratulate me in person.

"How in the Matrix did you expect us to believe this piece of scrap was the real thing?" Flood seethed at Alec from his balcony. Alec stood below, on the smooth dance floor of Club Hel.

"Your incompetence," he continued, "has reached an all-time high. I should have you executed on the spot."

Alec flinched. He looked to his side, where, up a flight of stairs leading to another balcony, a dark-skinned woman waited patiently, dragging long, sharp nails along the rail to create a low whining noise. He looked back to Flood.

Flood said, "I called you here in person because I wanted to let you know that you have greatly displeased the Merovingian, and that he is more than willing to have you removed. However, forgiving person that I am," Flood chuckled, "I have managed to still his wrath and find something you can do to redeem yourself."

The woman laughed. Alec and Flood looked over at her, and she stopped, with a grin.

Alec grunted and turned back to Flood. "What do you want me to do?"

Flood continued to stare at the woman as he spoke. "Our own men have finally managed to correct all the faults that you so ungratefully damaged beyond recognition. They are masters of fixing your mistakes. Are you going to do this thing

Flood's praises done, he managed to pull himself together and plead for assistance from me, in collecting an item that... some idiot had broken, that was ready for transport from one of his repair shops. After so many compliments, I was hardly in a position to say "no."

"Alright, alright, I'll do it! Stop!"

"Release him."

The woman let go of Alec, who promptly fell several yards, onto the cold floor. Luckily, his head broke his fall. Rubbing the multiple scratches on his arm, he picked himself up and ran out of the club.



"Okay, I'm here, just give me the stupid shield so I can leave." Alec crosses his arms at the lab worker, who walked around a desk and returned with the large decoration. Alec snatched it from the worker, forgetting briefly how heavy it was, and fell down the stairs that led up to the lab, all the way down to the bottom.

"Ow."

He hurried along the streets, uphill, lugging the shield on his head. A few passer-bys stopped to stare at the strange, muscular, green-haired man in intimidating clothes, shuffling a large metal plate on his head.

One of them suddenly dropped his briefcase and aimed his dark pistol at the Merv operative. Alec looked up at the Agent and dropped to his knees at a hailstorm of bullets ripped through the air that his head previously occupied.

"You are under arrest for unauthorized travel through restricted space," the Agent commanded calmly.

"You have got to be kidding me," Alec panted. "First I have to carry this thing all the way uphill, now I have to.. to..."

Alec shifted his weight to rest the shield on one shoulder so he could use his free hand to slap his face, then he threw the shield aside, onto the road. He stood and face the Agent.

"Resistance is futile," the Agent said.

"Yeah," Alec replied, "but sledding is fun!" He leaped across to the shield, landing on it with his stomach. The shield began sliding downhill, picking up speed as the Agent followed on foot. Alec screamed as his make-shift toboggan rapidly increased velocity. Up ahead, the road twisted to the right, with a small alley separating two offices on the left. Alec turned to the left.

Seven garbage cans and a hobo later, he emerged from the other end of the alley, coming to rest at a bus stop where a bus was pulling in. He picked himself up and paid the fare.


Once again, my heroic efforts were met with nothing but praise. I know, I know, you're asking, "why do it, Zippy? Why can't you simply rule them all and let them do your work for you?" Well, fella, I tell ya, it's a lot more fun this way.

"THIS SHIELD IS ALL SCRATCHED UP," Flood bellowed. Alec leaped back. "YOU CAN NOT DO ONE SIMPLE TASK THAT I GIVE YOU?! That's it. Get out of my sight. Ookami!"

Alec raced out of the Club, the same woman that had suspended him from the balcony before chasing after him.

((Oh, God that's funny! "Resistance is futile". "Oh yeah? But sledding is fun!" -- Best. Lines. EVAR! I could just see this one as a Chuck Jones-style cartoon!))

[CHAPTER SIX: ASSASSINATION]

Machines had been troubling my dear associate, the Merovingian, and he came to me for help in something that very few people are able to accomplish. I had to kill an Agent. Everyone from before the Truce was created had a very difficult time defeating an Agent - they were, after all, created to be unstoppable. Nowadays it's a bit easier to kill one, but no man ever dared taking one on by himself. Except for me, of course.

"Blubbuburbubub!!" Alec screamed. Faces looked up at him through a distorted window. He twisted against the ropes. Everything began to grow dark.

Suddenly, the world whirled around him in bubbles, and he felt himself being sucked through the floor.

Alec's head burst out of the barrel of water, gasping for breath. A tall man with a pointed nose and sharp facial faces faced him. Behind him, a pale man with sagging flesh operated a crane that kept Alec suspended above the water. The tall man spoke with a thick French accent.

"You will not fail me again, oui?"

Alec coughed.

"Of course you will. As you can see, mon ami, I am not tolerant of failure. My people do not fail me. It is not in their best interests." He paused. "Malphas, again."

Alec was dunked again. He rose again, spluttering.

"I trust you understand my meaning?"

"Blubboo."

"Good. Now, I have a test for you. If you can do this one thing for me, I will forgive you. You will terminate a spy that is close to learning some of my secrets. He is an Agent, so you will need to find a way to incapacitate him until we can capture him, mon grognement. Go now, and do not return and expect to live until you have succeeded."

"Vlub."

"Good. Malphas, let him down."

The Agent put up a spectacular fight, but he was no match for my powers.

"AUUUGHHHH!!!" Alec flew through the air. He hit the wall, and fell through the hole his impact had created. The Agent stood from his kneeling position and straightened his tie, before remarking coldly, "You make excellent bowling practice, Mister Romanov."

Alec groaned. His legs dangled from the hole, as his head rested on the other room's floor. He felt the Agent grab his feet, and for the second time in under a minute, he was hurled through the air. This time, he slammed into a kitchen cabinet, releasing several pots and pans that clanged on top of his head.

"Perhaps I am going too easy on you. Allow me to rectify the situation." Alec leaped to his feet and turned to face the Agent, who waited patiently.

"Don't take another step! I have.. uh.." Alec looked around and grabbed the closest weapon available. "A frying pan!"

The Agent smiled coldly, then rushed him. Alec ran backwards. His foot landed in a pot, and he slipped. As his head crashed against the tile, his foot, with the pot still attached, swept upwards, catching the Agent on the chin. Stars accompanied Alec's rise. He looked over at the Agent.

I totally fried him.

He began to rise, and was met with the frying pan. Alec bent over the Agent's body and felt for his pulse. Still beating. Alec grunted and opened his cell phone.

"Operator."

"Hey, Flood."

"Oh, it's you. I assume you are calling to report you failure?"

"Nope, I got him. Send your boys over."

"Huh. I'm surprised, Zippy the Squirrel. It looks like we've finally found a use for you. It's probably a fluke, but expect more missions like this from now on."

"Oh..." Alec groaned and rubbed his sore head. "that sounds... great."


I was so pleased with my victory, that I took a vacation.

The guards found Alec sprawled unconscious next to the Agent's body, snoring.

[EPILOGUE]

So, how's about it, eh? I know, I know, my tales have frightened and amazed you. Well, listen up, because I have quite the deal for you!

See this red pill? This one lets you see the Matrix for its true self, and you can be as powerful as me someday. Maybe.

If you're too much of a sissy, this little blue pill will make you forget the whole thing, and you'll go on living your boring, nine-to-five, always worrying about your bills, working for the Man, lives.

So, how about it?


.... what the hell? What do you mean, poppycock?! Nuh-uh, it's all true! Hey! No, the red one! The red one!


*CENSORED* it. Hmph. Your loss, pal. I'll be seeing you... but you won't see me.










How'd it go?

Ah, they don't know what they're missing.

... you told those ridiculous fantasy stories, didn't you?

No! Well, maybe.

You're hopeless.

This was a great collection of stories , very funny and entertaining! Thanks Squirrel for writing it !

:: Applauds:: Bravo! One of the best things I've seen in a while! Thanks for sharing this one, Squirrel-Boy!

Yeah, one great, original and very funny thread.  Good stuff Zippy. *applauds*